PAX MAN!

The great new game from CrynAir, coming soon!

• Control O’Dreary as he takes all passengers’ money!

• Eat the cabin crew that don’t pull their weight!

• Get rich quick!

Only €10, just for the Nokia!

As you know, I regularly update Twitter, Facebook and then sometimes CrynAir.com and this blog when I’ve got nothing better to do. However, I’m told it’s not enough.

“You have to reach out to your public”, they say.

“You have to connect”, they add.

Now - the only ‘reaching out’ and ‘connecting’ I really want to do involves a clenched fist meeting an irritating face, but since I put profit before everything I’m willing to try this out for at least a few days.

So, here’s the deal. Ask me a question on here, on Twitter, Facebook, CrynAir.com or by e-mail (info@crynair.com) and I will help you with whatever your problem is, be it matters of travel, relationships or understanding the seemingly complicated concept of packing luggage under a certain weight. I’ll then obviously post your comment and my response on here for everyone to laugh at.

Think of me like an Agony Uncle.

We’ll see how long this goes on for until I get bored…

It’s been a while since I’ve offered up any opinions, amusing anecdotes or tales of woe, so I thought I’d spend this sunny Sunday tapping away on my Dell, writing about the way I feel about our customers.

We have a special relationship with every one of our passengers; the kind of relationship an alcoholic parent has over its children. It’d be unfair to say we don’t love you in your own way, but there are times when you need a bit of a slap.

Every day that passes I grow more amazed and baffled at the idiocy of our customers - and yes, that includes you.

You obviously do a bit of research before flying with us, don’t you? You look around at the prices of other airlines, right? You then find us and - with our myriad taxes and surcharges included - we still turn out to be cheaper. So, you book with us.

Thank you for your custom.

Then, come the day that you and your rabid family of delinquents travel to the airport, you choose one of a few options to get there:

Driving - paying extortionate prices for petrol and parking, probably more than the flight.

Maybe by train - paying ticket prices that seem only slightly less than the cost of the train itself.

Or perhaps by coach where, if you’re unlucky enough to sit near the back, will be subjected to the smell of the toilet; freshly used by a character straight out of Trainspotting who’s going ‘cold turkey’.

Any one of these options probably cost more than the price of the flight, despite going a fraction of the distance we take you. But forget that for the moment, that would be rational thinking, wouldn’t it?

So, you reach the airport and then (if you bothered to read the instructions and constant e-mail alerts) you should be able to avoid paying anything more since, of course, you will have your boarding passes printed and you’ll have your bags at the correct size and weight, right?

No, of course not, because it seems we sell exclusively to retards.

You can then pay the “Idiot Tax” to one of our indignant members of ground staff who is forced to put up with halfwits like you all day long.

If you’re able to find your way around the airport (and, if you get lost, no doubt you’ll blame us for that as well) you may even reach the gate on time when we’re boarding. This is the point - regardless of nationality (although frankly, the Italians still win at this) - that you start fighting to get to the front of the queue.

That calm English disposition is thrown right out the window and replaced with a raging lunatic, pushing small children and old women aside to get a slightly less shitty seat than you would have had before.

Then, depending on airport, you get the relative calm of the airport bus where you all get to complain to one another about the journey so far and laugh with solidarity before you beat the shit out of each other again to get up the steps of the airplane.

You then place your baggage in the least convenient way possible (horizontally? really?) delaying the take off and inconveniencing the passengers that were polite enough not to bruise you at the gate.

Then, you’re in a seat which is likely far more spacious and comfortable than the coach you probably journeyed to the airport in, and you complain even more about the conditions on board; making it sound like you’re forced to fly in a chinook across to Afghanistan.

Admittedly, we then play a few advertisements but since you all watch commercial TV, surely that’s not a problem, right?

We then land you all in your destination of choice, far quicker and safer than any other method of transport, and we let you get on with your cretinous holiday while you merrily complain to each other at the way we’ve treated you along the way.

So, how does this add up?

We take you hundreds/thousands of miles, for the price of a ticket that’s likely less than the cost of getting to the airport. We have a few rules that, as long as you can read, you can avoid any issues with. We don’t have assigned seating, but then, neither do trains, buses of coaches so that shouldn’t be a problem? We then get you to your destination on time, in most cases, unless Mario was holding everyone up with his misshaped luggage.

The trumpet sound we play isn’t actually for just when we’re on time - it’s a happy little reminder to ourselves that it’s the time when you can all get off the damn plane and perhaps, if your experience was bad enough, book with someone else next time.

So feel free to complain to everyone about us but, in the end, you’ll be back on our plane next time you fly because we’re cheap and - more importantly - you’re cheap.

Now bugger off.

So, you’ll notice we’ve been (well, I’ve been) in the press a lot talking about how we’ve got this idea where our cheapest/poorest (delete where appropriate) customers can get a ticket for £5 by standing throughout the flight.

The usual crowd are up in arms (similar to most of our customers then) saying how it’s “not safe”, it’s “a violation of human rights”, “God will kill puppies” and a whole manner of other rabid lunacy.

I’d like to address this matter point by point.

Firstly, safety.

We fly over Europe, not Asia - the worst kind of turbulance our planes ever experience is about the same as going over a speed bump. No-one hurtles out of their seat, no-one hits the roof of the plane, all dentures are kept intact, the Argos-gold earrings in passengers’ babies barely move and no exposed breasts jiggle like they do in that scene you love of Airplane (admit it).

‘Safety’ is a word the authorities love to publically obsess over, but it usually just means ‘inconvenience’. It’s not our rules, it’s there’s. We don’t care if our Italian passengers all get up and turn their phones on while we’re parking the plane - it’s regulations that mean we have to enforce it. (That’s not to say we don’t enjoy the enforcing; it’s the only enjoyment our cabin crew get).

It was for ‘safety’ reasons that we had to avoid flying during that damn volcano incident, even though the smoke had disbursed after a day and the only ill-effect of it turned out to be a blackbird with a slight cough.

In fact, in terms of safety, climbing up the stairs to the plane carrying an awkward 10kg case is far more dangerous than not being strapped-in.

So, standing isn’t a problem for safety reasons.

Secondly - money.

Our passengers (and that’s you) are cheaper than anyone else on the planet. You will happily get a more inconvenient time of flight just to save a pound; you will also happily fly to an airport that’s about 100 miles away from where you want to be.

We know this, and we wouldn’t be one of the most profitable airlines in the world if we didn’t.

So, for all your damn moaning, we’ll have our standing seats full of you cheapskates - foaming at the mouth at the prospect of flying for £5 (well, plus all the charges).

If it gets approved, all low budget airlines will fly like this. We can fly more of you, it’ll be cheaper and you’ll hail us as the savour of air travel. If we weren’t already (which we are).

Finally - PR.

Clearly this is just a public relations stunt to get my ugly face into yours. I’m the King of it. Along with the toilet charge (you know, with standing seats, we should fit urinals…) we’ve got everyone talking about us again. For good or bad, you’re talking about us.

People don’t talk about easyJet. Stelios and his “I’m going to remove the ‘easy’ name from the brand” threats don’t impress Joe Public. And they’ll be even less impressed if he does remove the ‘easy’ moniker and they have to advertise as just “Jet”. I don’t care what type of orange they use; that’s even worse than our branding.

So that’s it. Standing seats. You’ll all be using them in a couple of years - and the ones that don’t will pay me more for the privilege.

And just remember, you’re flying around Europe cheaper with us than you can going twenty miles on a train in England. So shut your face.

All the worse,

Michael O’Dreary

It’s like a Lonely Planet guide for the beautiful city of Luton (which is in London, of course).

If you have any suggestions for inclusions in the next version of the guide - or photos of landmarks you’d like featured, let us know!

Download it at CrynAir.com

Do you have a business or service you’d like to promote on CrynAir?

We have one slot available to anyone who wants it.

If you’re a follower of CrynAir on Twitter or a fan on Facebook, you’re eligible.

Just e-mail info@crynair.com with a 120 x 90px GIF (animated if you really want) and perhaps a note of thanks.

Your advert will be seen by thousands of attentive potential customers. Many of them probably a bit retarded to be honest, but don’t let that worry you. We don’t.

Your advert will be on the website for a whole month and it is completely free - no surcharges.

Take advantage of this limited offer before we charge our minds.

Click this to recommend us for Tumblr’s Travel category:

http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend/travel/crynair

I think we can add ourselves by spending $9, but that’d buy me a gourmet muffin on board so I’ll pass.

Our five minutes of fame.

It’s difficult keeping up with developments in the Internet world.

I blink and suddenly something else has appeared with millions of geeky cretins (that no doubt includes you), foaming at the mouth and rushing to add a profile full of verbal diarrhoea they feel everyone will appreciate.

It’s ego massage of the highest order and I’m ashamed to have just fallen into the same trap. Except - actually - I’m not ashamed since this is yet another way I can get the name of CrynAir out there into the collective conscious.

I have no idea how this website works, but it looks as if you can add your own self-obsessed drivel to this page as well, so feel free.

And remember to fly CrynAir otherwise this whole exercise is a waste of our time.

All the worst,

Michael O’Dreary, CEO
CrynAir.com