So, you’ll notice we’ve been (well, I’ve been) in the press a lot talking about how we’ve got this idea where our cheapest/poorest (delete where appropriate) customers can get a ticket for £5 by standing throughout the flight.

The usual crowd are up in arms (similar to most of our customers then) saying how it’s “not safe”, it’s “a violation of human rights”, “God will kill puppies” and a whole manner of other rabid lunacy.

I’d like to address this matter point by point.

Firstly, safety.

We fly over Europe, not Asia - the worst kind of turbulance our planes ever experience is about the same as going over a speed bump. No-one hurtles out of their seat, no-one hits the roof of the plane, all dentures are kept intact, the Argos-gold earrings in passengers’ babies barely move and no exposed breasts jiggle like they do in that scene you love of Airplane (admit it).

‘Safety’ is a word the authorities love to publically obsess over, but it usually just means ‘inconvenience’. It’s not our rules, it’s there’s. We don’t care if our Italian passengers all get up and turn their phones on while we’re parking the plane - it’s regulations that mean we have to enforce it. (That’s not to say we don’t enjoy the enforcing; it’s the only enjoyment our cabin crew get).

It was for ‘safety’ reasons that we had to avoid flying during that damn volcano incident, even though the smoke had disbursed after a day and the only ill-effect of it turned out to be a blackbird with a slight cough.

In fact, in terms of safety, climbing up the stairs to the plane carrying an awkward 10kg case is far more dangerous than not being strapped-in.

So, standing isn’t a problem for safety reasons.

Secondly - money.

Our passengers (and that’s you) are cheaper than anyone else on the planet. You will happily get a more inconvenient time of flight just to save a pound; you will also happily fly to an airport that’s about 100 miles away from where you want to be.

We know this, and we wouldn’t be one of the most profitable airlines in the world if we didn’t.

So, for all your damn moaning, we’ll have our standing seats full of you cheapskates - foaming at the mouth at the prospect of flying for £5 (well, plus all the charges).

If it gets approved, all low budget airlines will fly like this. We can fly more of you, it’ll be cheaper and you’ll hail us as the savour of air travel. If we weren’t already (which we are).

Finally - PR.

Clearly this is just a public relations stunt to get my ugly face into yours. I’m the King of it. Along with the toilet charge (you know, with standing seats, we should fit urinals…) we’ve got everyone talking about us again. For good or bad, you’re talking about us.

People don’t talk about easyJet. Stelios and his “I’m going to remove the ‘easy’ name from the brand” threats don’t impress Joe Public. And they’ll be even less impressed if he does remove the ‘easy’ moniker and they have to advertise as just “Jet”. I don’t care what type of orange they use; that’s even worse than our branding.

So that’s it. Standing seats. You’ll all be using them in a couple of years - and the ones that don’t will pay me more for the privilege.

And just remember, you’re flying around Europe cheaper with us than you can going twenty miles on a train in England. So shut your face.

All the worse,

Michael O’Dreary